The flowers sat in the vase for days and days I couldn’t bring myself to change the water. I would look at them and try to will myself to take the task on but it was beyond my abilities. I was trapped in this warped world. The sound of footsteps on the pavement outside would make me jitter in fear of human contact. Being in the presence of another person was unthinkable at the time and when it was unavoidable it sent me further inwards. It was at the darkest time when my mind began to fill with horror that my first detachment began. Where is this coming from? Gruesome images of body parts and sexual abuse. Was this my mind? Or was I somehow in the mind of another? Or was it a stream of consciousness that was travelling through me. None of it made sense to me but there was a part of me that awakened that day and began to peel away from my mind and come into a state presence.
I sought help. I met with a psychologist and I had 6 sessions. Within the first hour she explained the process of the Mind and its function. I had a moment of realisation…its just snot…Mind snot…all of it…every though I’ve ever had that I reacted to was mind snot. My mind was now in a powerful state of snot monster and it was of epic portions. Things were never the same after that first session. I knew what I needed to do for the first time in my life. Everything suddenly clicked into place and I began the process of shutting down…..who I though I was and everything I though I knew about myself had to die.
It started small. I needed to relearn now to live my life again. First challenge was being able to steady my mind while I was alone. I travelled through my days with ghosts and old conversations, hurts…you name it…..if it was painful it was playing in my mind…..pain radio was always on loud-speaker in my sphere. The tuning process involved a lot of touching of objects and focusing on them in my hand or around my body. Listening to noises and feeling how quiet the world actually is. Seeing the movement of nature and watching the birds pass through the sky with curiosity and wonder at this “world” I was discovering as if for the first time. The noise turned down day by day, pain radio began to fade away and my new way of living had begun. I had shed a heavy dense crust that was all around me restricting me and holding me in stagnation and procrastination, I had passed through a gateway now and I was connecting with the present moment and embodying my days like never before.
I was unwinding now and I started to become aware of this knowing. I felt it and I was curious about what it was. I was very attracted to its presence in my life and it began to guide me. Through synchronicity…..I felt compelled to take certain attuned actions…..I was brave enough now. When the presence would show up I would listen in and my choices became effortless. Always with an outcome I was able to see a possibility in, no matter what the sequence of events it all felt relevant as long as I stayed neutral and didn’t react to pain fm humming about in the background trying to get my attention again. Seamless flow showed up for me and I embraced it with open arms.
Being with the flow is now a companion for me. I live with its presence around me. It is me. I am it. I am experiencing myself. My true authentic state of being. I experience my mind, my body and my soul. That’s who I am, I am it and you are it, we are all it, that’s all there is. Every living thing on this earth has the potential to become aware of it self. There is not hierarchy…no pyramid…just a string of possibilities all striving to meet their maker. I feel that I have met mine and it’s not what I ever imagined someone who experiences something like this would feel, but I know I’m being introduced to something magical right now and I like what I see. To know is to be and to be is to know.