A sweeping movement surges through my body as I begin my decent, it is as if another layer of my soul is revealed and it is filled with wounds, each one deadly, they are my own personal kryptonite…I weaken in their wake. Presence is fleeting and I am holding on to the moment with everything fibre of my being, I have to stay neutral as they bombard me physically, mentally and emotionally. I create space in my life and withdraw from the world. I am not fleeing in fear, I am retreating consciously inwards to work…I need quiet and stillness, all of the noise of life needs to fade away to do this work. I begin by holding them in my space, letting them be there…my mind tries to attach to them and provokes reaction after reaction, but I diffuse the thoughts and detach from each narrative it throws at me and continue to hold space for the feelings I am experiencing…they settle…I sooth them…I let them be there in my body. Now I can start to have a closer look. What I see brings me to my knees for it is the greatest illusion in the Kingdom of Humanity, it is the manufactured state of love.
The world has conditioned us to accept something as love…but it is not love, not the love that I have begun to feel from within…that love is not practised by so many of us. What I’ve been experiencing as love up to now has not been unconditional, it is a love that harbours expectation, selfishness and dominance, this is a distorted type of love that wounds not heals. The love I am experiencing inside myself…that love is real love. I make a decision that I no longer wish to accept this manufactured form of love in my life anymore. It doesn’t fit with the values I’ve been instilling inside myself…it has surfaced as the fraud that it is, masquerading in my life creating nothing but pain and suffering. The love that I am feeling now is free-flowing and alive, it has peaks and troughs but it moves freely though me, the conditioned distorted love is limited, rigid and cold.
I become steady but whosey, my stomach turns and I tremble…the uncomfortableness leaves me, but I am tired now. More time is needed to be quiet and rest. The flow is hollow and open in me…I have no inkling from my knowing about what action to take, so I wait. I stay open and I wait. My mind races trying to latch onto something that will stop this realisation from taking root, I focus on the space now and trust in it. I am steady, calm and strong. I feel compassion rise inside my whole being, for everyone in my life and myself…we all need love…to give and receive, but the currency we have been exchanging up to now is useless, it has no value, only true authentic love can fill up our cups and allow us to free ourselves to love unconditionally.
My attention drifts out into my mind scape and starts to build connections to this authentic love state, the illusion I held inside has been destroyed, the way is paved for real love to take root in my life. I consciously commit to practice real love, to manifest it in the days, moon cycles and years ahead…to grow it in my life, welcome it in and promise to honour it moment by moment. I am entering my decent, the days to come will require quiet…so much has transpired and transformed in me an around me…now it is time for rest.