As I familiarise myself with the moment a whole new array of sensations begin to reveal themselves, the pockets of darkness that still exist in me are amplified, it is as if I am beginning my journey again…the waves of unconscious action and emotion ride high as I practice acceptance of the now…this means everything that exists in the moment…all of it…I’m facing a whole new level of honesty with myself…I am the light that is shining on the darkness so there is nowhere to hide, I must bring everything in awareness.
This process is painful, as each black hole in my soul experiences the light a charge is released and my whole being is sent into a spin…at first I felt confusion…why am I back here re living these emotions? But as I continued to observe and detach myself from what was happening I noticed something different…there was space between the narrative, as if I was now able to read between the lines and see inside the space and it is filled with a lightness that separated the heaviness I experienced the first time around.
As I continue to detach and observe, time and time again, I travel further into the narrative and at the core of each wound I have been finding a switch…a point of clarity and acceptance…this clarity has not come through using the mind to solve the problem but more by observing the narrative of past painful experiences, but instead of avoiding seeing the truth at the core I have made it all the way through to the root belief or thought pattern that has been charging my unconscious reactions to events in my life. It has been confronting to see the essence of what I have been carrying around inside myself…a toxic mix of supercharged energy clogging up my whole being. My breath has now become by main port of call as I unravel the mysteries that are hidden throughout my soul…I don’t know when they are going to surface, all I can so is continue to feed the present moment and allow nature to cleanse my spirit as needed, as each charge surges through me I breath…the breath anchors me into the moment…for breath is a natural rhythm of life…the breath has a new beginning, a growth or ascent, then a decent and a release point. It follows the cycle of life, death and rebirth…it is with us all the time and is available to us, as a tool to hold us steady in the moment.
The rise and fall of the breath brings safety to my heart as the healing is taking place, my mind swells and puts on some extravagant performances to get my attention…there is temptation at every turn, temptation to judge, vilify and lash out…at myself…I hold onto the piece of space I have carved out for myself that embodies self-love and compassion. This is my patch of neutrality…the storm of emotion and chaos swirls around me now…prodding, poking and stimulating me to react…I pause…I breath…I observe…I feel into my body…as each pattern runs its course and the core is revealed the light in my body grows…one by one each vortex burns it self out and awareness frees me by revealing the truths hidden inside each black hole that has been swirling around pulling me and distorting me out of alignment.
The phrase “Let the dust settle” comes to my mind, as if I need to just re calibrate and observe my new presence, I am presenting different to the world as I shift and I need to remain open to new possibilities coming my way…what I attract into my life is going to change and I need to prepare myself for whats to come…the driving force of these black holes are no longer influencing my choices, I am the force in the present moment that sets the tone…it’s a small taste of a new kind of freedom, freedom from the past…its refreshing and I am excited about moving forward feeling a lightness to my present state of being in the moment.
Acceptance of my present state is important, after such a thrilling string of revelations its important to continue to observe the present and allow the process to unfold inside me…falling into the trap of trying to control it or “help” it along is a step back into identification with the mind…it’s the mind coming through the back door and beginning to micro manage the journey, this is a diversion…the workings of the soul are curious and powerful, consciousness is a living entity that can’t be directed to behave through instruction…its needs love and observation and acceptance, feeling into it and allowing it to exist and flourish is all that is needed. So much has come through my being since this journey began, so much new growth is now present…I admire it now and I am grateful for its presence inside me, as I practice this way of being I know it is a life long journey…there is no rush or no end point of attainment…accepting this truth is still a challenge…and I know there is more learning to come. To feel again, live again and know that there is growth, always rising and falling through me is beginning to be all I really need…just to feel the sensation of growth and for that feeling to be enough is beginning to be a comfort that is always with me even in the mist of a chaos.